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For example, we recall the times when we were in love,
when we were overwhelmed with feelings of joy. It was during those
moments that we were in love with life itself.
The problem with some people is that
they tend to remember the negative things longer than the positive
things that happened in their lives. They usually remember the
compliments they received only for a few minutes and dwell on the
insults they received for years! By so doing, they become garbage
collectors who carry trash thrown long time ago. As a result, they
suffer the consequences since they allow their mind to be occupied
by bad experiences.
Remember, we are in control of our own mind and
heart. We can choose to make happiness and joy the center of our
world. These are always within us. We can always tap into moments of
joy and absorb these into our present
moment.
No one in his or her right mind would
choose to be unhappy. If we take full responsibility for our
emotional response to all events in our life, there is nobody else
to blame if we are not happy! The choice is ours alone. Happiness
does not depend solely on the things that come into our life, but on
how we react when those things happen.
Mildred
Barthel states, "Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic
response." We can always create and build our lives around joy and
happiness.
Never Set Conditions for
Happiness
According to Arthur Rubinstein, "Most
people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if
you don't set any condition." Before, I thought that if I graduate
from college and get a good job, I would be tremendously happy.
Later, I discovered that a job alone does not guarantee
happiness.
Do you know someone who constantly says, "If I
find the right partner, I will be happy"? Advise them to talk
to newly married couples and ask them if they are happy. One of the
possible things they may hear is this: "If we have a child, we will
feel complete and happy."
Ask those who already have
children if they are happy. They would say that unless their
children have grown up, finished their studies, and can stand on
their own, they simply could not relax and feel happy. Ask those who
have accomplished their mission as parents if they are happy. They
long for the days when they were younger!
Do you know
of people who say any of the following phrases:
* I
will be happy when.....
* I am unhappy because ......
* If
only I have .... then I will be happy
* How can I be happy when
....
* Happiness for me is when ….
Sadly, these people
will have difficulty in attaining true and lasting happiness for
they place conditions on their happiness. They want guarantees for
happiness but are unwilling to act first. For this reason, they set
conditions on their happiness that can be translated into this: "We
are not happy now and we won't be happy at least until our
conditions are met."
On the other hand, we also hear
the following phrases from unhappy people:
* You
disappoint me!
* You make me unhappy!
* If it wasn't for him
I'd be happy.
* She is the source of my loneliness.
* How can
I be happy after what he did to me?
These people remain
in constant state of unhappiness because of a single reason: the
tendency to point the blame on others. Unhappiness begins in the
mind. We are in charge of our mind and of what we think. If this is
the case, how can we blame others for making us unhappy? We choose
our thoughts and feelings. We choose to be happy or not. In this
case, we made the wrong choice.
Dislodge Negative
Thoughts
Like cancer, negative thinking can kill! It
can kill and destroy our whole future. Negative thoughts affect the
mind, body, and emotions. We have already discussed the relationship
between our thoughts and feelings in the previous
chapter.
Just to recap, our thoughts produce our
feelings. We get angry by having angry thoughts. It is impossible to
feel sad without sad thoughts. Unhappiness does not and cannot exist
on its own. Unhappiness is the feeling that accompanies negative
thinking.
So how do we overcome negative thoughts? Stop
thinking about them! Our negative feelings are results of our own
negative thinking. Apart from refraining to think about negative
thoughts, we can turn negative thoughts into positive
ones.
One effective technique is to learn a whole new
set of happy words. These are words that evoke positive feelings.
Other studies refer to these as "Positive Adjectives List" from The
Apache Method (The Antidotal Positive Adjectives Character and
Happiness Enhancement Method)
According to this particular
study, which is based on Emmet Velton's classic paper, "There has
been a body of research empirically validating our ability to
positively or negatively change our moods by reading phrases like "I
feel very good" or "I am afraid."
So, how do we go
about dislodging thoughts of unhappiness?
1. Be
aware. We have to catch ourselves when we are about to indulge in
negative thinking. In the first few days, we have to be very
vigilant.
2. The moment we feel the onset of an unpleasant
emotion, we have to identify it as precisely as possible. Is it
hatred? Hurt? Fear? Anxiety? Discontent? This is a very critical
component of the process as related to the next step.
 3. Search for the exact opposite of
the negative emotion. Think of its antonym. For example, the moment
we catch ourselves feeling "lazy," we would call to mind an opposite
adjective like "energetic." We would then say to ourselves, "I feel
energetic."
If we view ourselves as "pessimistic", we
say "I am hopeful." If we feel we are "incompetent', we say "I
feel ingenious." What do we say if we see ourselves as "unmindful"?
We say, "I am grateful."
Can we use the same
strategy even if we do not feel any unpleasant feelings? Of
course! We are encouraged to think and say to ourselves
statements like "I feel fabulous" to reinforce our mood, or
statements like "I feel strong" or "I feel friendly" in order to
enhance our character.
Other people have introduced
variations to the said technique. Others say it aloud in front of
the mirror every morning for ten minutes for twenty-one days. Saying
it aloud increases its effectiveness as it represents emotional
involvement. This is no different from expressing positive
affirmations and doing self-talk. Others find it more effective by
writing the statements on paper, as they become more "physically"
involved.
Here are some of the happy
words from the Apache Project. We just have to add "I feel" or "I
am" to produce positive effects.
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happy
grateful
determined
professional
sincere
focused
imaginative
successful
cheerful
inventive
tidy
open-minded
desirable
fair-minded
courageous
peaceful
stylish
cordial
appreciative
spontaneous
impartial
sensible
relaxed |
loyal
alive
charming
good
mannered
grounded
truthful
gorgeous
practical
industrious
mature
reasonable
powerful
fabulous
gracious
goodhearted
wise
philanthropic
consistent
dedicated
persuasive
amazing
calm
desirable |
studious
confident
decisive
hopeful
big-hearted
genial
flexible
terrific
democratic
impressive
charitable
productive
good-natured
awesome
dependable
prompt
splendid
energetic
amicable
discerning
generous
fashionable
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Sixth key to happiness:
Happiness is mostly created, and rarely given.
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